THREE TEXTS FOR a TIME OF ATONEMENT

 1. On Love and Hate

I want to start with a simple question. Can we ever know how someone else experiences the world? I would suggest that we can know a person for a lifetime yet we can’t know what the felt experience is of someone else. We can listen as they describe it, we can be empathetic, we can imagine other people’s experiences where we live or across the world from us, we can read novels which get inside characters, but in some fundamental way we can’t know another person’s inner world. (Of course we may not know much about our own inner world, but that’s another story) . Our felt inner world, our deep subjectivity, is, in essence, known by no-one.

And yet there lives in us, I think, a deep wish to be known. As well as a deep fear. The wish to be known is I think a wish to be appreciated, understood, accepted, wanted. And maybe at root it’s a wish to be loved. Loved unconditionally. But, we worry, if everything about us is  known, would we still be loveable? So the wish to be known is in tension with the fear - the fear that there is, or might be, something in us that stops this happening, that there exists in us aspects of the self that someone else would not be able to accept, or be able to love, parts of our inner world, parts of us, they would not be able to embrace unconditionally.  

So: we contain (in two senses of the word ‘contain’) the wish to be known and the fear of being known. Although there is a wish to be known, we can spend a lifetime developing the art of putting up barriers to being known, truly known in all our complex and multifaceted humanity; it’s strange that the thing we think we want so much, we also spend such a lot of time, consciously and unconsciously, protecting ourselves from. Along with all the time we spend cultivating a persona, a false self, that we think might be more desirable, more acceptable, more loveable, than our real selves in all their quirky and turbulent splendour.   

So if this is how it is, and this is who we are – and now I am moving towards a specific Jewish relationship to this issue - what happens when we Jews come together on Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) and are faced with a liturgy that contains the following:

 “What can we say before You…”, we ask, “and what can we tell You?” Here’s the traditional picture of a God figure, so far away, so distant, so remote, absent almost to the point of non-existence.  “And yet…”, we continue to read, disconcertingly, opening up a  religious paradox, “And yet You know everything, hidden and revealed. You know the mysteries of the universe and the intimate secrets of everyone alive…” So: here we are, looking into the mirror of our wish and our fear. “You see into the heart and mind. Nothing escapes You, nothing is hidden from your gaze”.

Again, the traditional picture of a God figure, but this time so close to us as to know us through and through, know us maybe better than we know ourselves, know us as no-one and nothing else can know us. All our idiosyncrasies and vulnerabilities, our foibles and peccadillos, our ugliness and our generosity, our cruelty and our kindness, our capacity for love and our capacity for hate. It’s all known – none of it is hidden, and none of it needs to be hidden.  Whether this so-called “gaze” feels threatening or a welcome relief will say much about us and our feelings about intimacy and  being known. 

We repeat this poetic text in each service through the day – it is at the spiritual heart of the Yom Kippur liturgy: the encouragement one day in the year, for a few brief hours, or minutes, to be open with ourselves about who we are, to admit our frailties and failings, to survey the landscape of our souls and make an account of what we have done and what we have failed to do, to admit how awful we might have been, how inhumane and callous – but also to recognise the ways in which we have managed to remain humane and caring, this too we bring to mind.

And Yom Kippur suggests that all this heart searching and soul reckoning can be done with a kind of confidence. Maybe no other person in the world can know us as we want to be known and fear being known - and yet by rendering an honest account of our intimate selves, our hidden selves, something in us will change. It will be as if we are truly known. The liturgy says: today you can, finally, be truly known – and the experience will be transformative. 

Laying ourselves open in this way – offering ourselves as best we can through deep introspection (without being persecutory towards ourselves) – will be like receiving a gift, a precious sense of being judged with unconditional love. We will come through Yom Kippur and out the other side mysteriously changed – the traditional liturgy calls it ‘cleansed’ – we will know that we are accepted, us poor humble flawed folk, we will feel that by reckoning with our guilt, our failures and foibles and falsehood, by looking honestly at ourselves, the verdict at the trial we are attending will be ‘not guilty’, you are loved, more than you know, more than you imagine. Maybe more than you strictly deserve.

This is what Yom Kippur offers Jews who engage with it and it has a mystery at its heart because even if you have no sense of, or belief in, the God figure of the liturgy, a merciful and compassionate divine presence, rachum v’chanun, even if you are a religious sceptic, if you harbour doubts, or you’re an honest  disbeliever in the literal or metaphorical language of our tradition, even if you struggle with or can’t subscribe to the pieties of old - that is all strangely beside the point.

Because the point is that by engaging with the psychodrama of the day, by spending the time reflecting on your life, you will experience some shift by the end of Neilah, the concluding service of this 25 hour marathon. You may not feel more loving by the end of the day – you will still have your irritabilities – but there will be a shift in your soul’s engagement with life.

There will be more life within you, more sense of the possibilities that life can offer, more hope that your life has got a meaning, or that you can make meaning out of it.  And although you might not think about this shift using the language of love, or – heaven forbid - the language of ‘God’, what matters is that something real will happen within you: you will glimpse what it means to be loved, valued and wanted. 

You can be loved because you have opened your heart to the truths about yourself. You can be loved because there is an indefinable goodness encoded within you. You can be loved because of your unique capacity for accessing the humanity within you, even if it gets battered and bruised by life, which it does; even if it goes into eclipse, which it does; even if your heart gets corroded by shame or guilt or anger or hatred, which it does. At heart you are infinitely precious, and loveable.

Why am I talking so much about love? Love and being loved?  Well, a couple of reasons. The first is to do with something my grandson said a while ago – he was four and a half – that I have been carrying around in my mind and hasn’t left me. From somewhere in him he came out with this: “The only thing that will always be true and never end is love”. 

And it struck me, when I heard about this, that not only was he giving voice to his experience of being loved, but he was voicing a deep and universal human wish. For that’s what it is - a wish that “The only thing that will always be true and never end is love”. But it happens to be a wish that is threaded through all of Jewish liturgy, which over and over again talks about God’s eternal love of the Jewish people, a love which survives the vicissitudes of history, a love that endures from generation to generation, despite Israel’s failures and stiff-neckedness and betrayals.

I don’t know what any of that really means, and I don’t believe it in any literal – or even metaphorical – sense, but it seems to me to be a very useful piece of religious storytelling that could still have some mileage in it. Meaning-generating stories that offer benign ways of holding us within the randomness, chaos and vicissitudes of life are not to be discarded lightly, I guess. 

Now you might call that child’s words - that sentiment, that proto-philosophy - about love ‘always being true and never ending’, you might call it naïve – that life just isn’t like that. But maybe ‘naïve’ is the jaundiced judgement of an adult world that has lost touch with the sense of undimmed wonder that children can have. Adults whose lives become enmeshed in all the shabbiness and sickness of soul that surrounds us become cynical, and maybe envious of a child’s uncorrupted vision. Maybe we had that innocence once, but it was knocked out of us by the cruelties of the world and the cruel-hearted we encountered.  Maybe we secretly long to believe it is true, not just a hope. 

 But I found myself wanting to speak on Yom Kippur about love because I am very aware of the fragility of love in a time of hate.

Hatred right now is all around us, everywhere we look, and it is exhausting. It corrodes our well-being, eats into our minds and hearts. It’s spiritually exhausting being exposed to all the hatred: all that rhetoric in the Middle East about retaliation and revenge, and the wave after wave of racism and neo-fascism and bigotry in so many countries, in Putin and Trump, in India, sweeping through Europe, the list goes on and on, no nation is free of it; and all the denigration we hear of the Other, whether women or immigrants or trans; all the animosity within religious groups, and between religious groups, so much invective, so much intolerance, so much anger. All the polarisation, and lack of nuance, and being unable to tolerate ambivalence – it’s exhausting, and it’s tragic. These endless varieties and manifestations of hate.

I don’t do social media at all because I don’t want to be exposed to even more hatred than I already encounter in the daily news on TV or in the newspapers. But when I hear from my clergy colleagues about being bullied online, even by people from their own congregation, I realise just what a mess we are in. People don’t like it sometimes when I use the word hatred, they deny it is within them: ‘oh I just get a bit irritated’, or maybe they admit to being ‘annoyed’ or even ‘quite angry’ - but hatred, it’s a strong word, and we shirk from it.

But it needs to be spoken about because it conveys an aspect of all our inner lives. And one denies it at one’s peril. I won’t begin to catalogue here the long list of my hatreds. That’s part of the secrets of my heart. But hateful feelings arise out of disappointments, and all the gaps between what we want or need, and the capacity of the world and the people around us to give us what we need. So if we speak of love we need also to speak of hate because they go together within the human psyche. 

Life will always let us down sometimes – and how then do we mange our frustration, our aggression, our rage? Our disappointments can tip into despair, or hopelessness, or depression. Our anger can be turned against those we love, but whom we feel never love us enough. Or it can be turned against ourselves - our bodies, or our minds. Or it can get projected out so we always feel under siege and threatened rather than seeing how threatening we can be. (This is a particular Jewish problem). Or it can be acted out so that we rage against those who don’t think like us, or look like us, or act like us.

Yom Kippur is not only about our capacity for love. It is also about our hatred, and rage and aggression - and what we do with it, personally and collectively. It is the problem of our age - hatred and its ramifications -the defining problem of our times. To say that our very lives depend upon finding ways of thinking about our hatred is not an exaggeration. Our planet itself is loved and treasured – a source of wonder and delight; and it is hated and abused, plundered and laid waste to. Will our love or hate have the final say?  

The Jewish vision on Yom Kippur is a refined form of chutzpa: it is grandiose and, in its way, arrogant. It says that we Jews belong to a people who have a responsibility to think about how to live. And this thinking about how to live is not just about ourselves as individuals and our own personal wellbeing; and it’s not just for us as a collective, Klal Yisrael, and the fate of our people; but it’s a global responsibility – to work out how to be “a blessing for all humanity” (Genesis 12:3) and the fragile planet we inhabit. Our task is to think about how to live, how to live well, how to help others live well. It’s an impossible task - but someone has to do it.

On Yom Kippur Jews try to embrace that task - and in embracing that task they will of necessity encounter the core human dilemma, the psychological and spiritual  and existential question I have tried to sketch out here: how are we to express our love, and what do we do with our hate?

[based on a sermon given at Finchley Reform Synagogue, London, on the evening of October 11^th, 2024]

 

 

2. On ‘The Zone Of Interest’ 

Although I have written about Jonathan Glazer’s extraordinary Oscar-winning film The Zone Of Interest back in March, I want to return to it – the season of the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur), a time of self-reflection and self-examination for the Jewish people, has prompted me into a re-engagement with the profound questions incarnated within it.

These questions have not left me since the day I saw it because I found the film emotionally compelling in the sense that it exerts an overwhelming pressure on the psyche. As I was watching it I knew I was in the presence of something that was important in ways I couldn’t immediately grasp, but felt - in my guts, my soul, wherever we feel these things, maybe the Yiddish word kischkes conveys it best – I felt it had significance far beyond its immediate context. 

To my mind it is the most important film, maybe the most important single piece of artistic creativity, of the 21^st century.

Why? Because it speaks directly to the human condition, our situation in the world now, it speaks to how our attention to the things that are going on around us – in our community, our society, our world – can be so uncomfortable, so unbearable that we find ways of not seeing and not hearing what is actually happening. It is a film of universal relevance about denial, the psychology and dynamics of denial, and how we protect ourselves from the consequences of our actions, and the consequences of our inactions.

Even if you haven’t seen the film, you may have heard about it or read about it, and so you might have heard it described as a ‘Holocaust’ film. Well, it isn’t untrue to describe it as a ‘Holocaust film’  - in the sense that it is set during the period of the death camps in Europe and it is constructed round the family home and garden of Rudolph Hӧss and his wife Hedwig who lived literally next door to Auschwitz.

Hӧss was the commandant of the camp, and the wall of the back garden of his family home was the wall of the death camp. So this is a film about the Holocaust, about evil and about how we insulate ourselves, or try to, from the knowledge of evil taking place on our doorsteps. Part of the extraordinary way the film is made is that you never see into the camp, there are none of the conventional images of prisoners, or ovens, or piles of bodies, the film is tracking the everyday life of the family who lives next to the camp, who go on picnics, tend the flowers and vegetables in the garden, observe the butterflies. In parts  it has an almost documentary feel, or the atmosphere of so-called ‘reality’ TV, fixed cameras watching ordinary things happen. 

So the focus is on everyday life: the cooking, the cleaning, the children playing, swimming, visitors arriving. It is a beautiful, pastoral setting, almost idyllic (if it wasn’t for the broader setting). But the camp is never absent, it’s just over the wall, a space we never enter, except with our ears.

One of the film’s five Oscars was for best soundtrack – and the soundtrack is indeed remarkable: it’s almost another film, for the ears and the imagination, running in parallel to what is seen on screen. There is a dull, grinding, rumbling that you hear throughout the film, ominous and persistent – I thought for a while I was hearing traffic outside the cinema, or maybe the sound coming from another screen in the multiplex I was in – but no, it was the soundtrack to the film, uncanny, unheimlich, the background reverberation droning away like a huge industrial machine always in earshot but never visible in a scene.

What is going on beyond the wall is literally ‘obscene’ - from the Greek, ob-skeen (offstage/out of sight). And from time to time you can hear shots ringing out and shouts and human cries and screams - but this is all behind the wall, ob-skeen. And this  creates a radical discontinuity between what you are seeing and what you are hearing - and thus forced to imagine. 

So of course this is a Holocaust film – about how ordinary people, who come home to read their children a bedtime story, who tend their gardens lovingly and teach their children the names of the flowers and plants, ordinary people like you and me, who have goodness grafted to their hearts – can also have evil coiled into their souls.

But it is not only a Holocaust film, a film about the past: as the director Jonathan Glazer has asserted, it’s a film about the present, about now. And that now can be any ‘now’. The film was conceived and made long before last October 7^th but it is not possible to see the film and not think, for example, about its disturbing relevance to how some people have, and continue to, shut themselves away from knowing about the suffering of the people of Gaza or Lebanon. Jews too can be locked into their Zone of Interest.

As an aside, but an important aside  – I am aware too of the suffering of Israelis, the fears, the losses, the ongoing mourning, as well as the pain many are having to endure from having to shut themselves off from fully facing what is being done in their name by a government whom so many hundreds of thousands don’t support, can’t support, haven’t supported for years; in a different way they are trapped, bombarded psychologically by propaganda and actions they just have to endure, feeling helpless – although there have been many protests - trying not to let that helplessness tip into hopelessness, trying to recover from what one Israeli woman I listened to in the summer, a religious Orthodox woman committed to the end of the Occupation, committed to social action with Palestinians, committed to peaceful co-existence on a shared homeland, what this remarkable soul said – I was running a group with a Christian pastor at a Jewish-Christian conference in Germany (yes, the irony) – what she said she was finding it hardest to recover from was her experience after October 7^th 2023 that for the first time in her life “they made me feel hate for them”. She had never felt that before. Souls are being wounded in so many ways. 

But to return to the film: it is a film that challenges our complacency, the comfort zones we inhabit, any feelings of moral superiority we might harbour: none of us knows how we would act if our lives depended on perpetrating horrors, or pretending horrors weren’t happening a hair’s breath away. The film asks us to reflect on the ways in which in one way or another we all live walled off from terrible things that we hear about and see, things we know about and don’t want to know about. Because if we did face them it would be too unbearable.

“Too long a sacrifice/ can make a stone of the heart/ Oh when may it suffice?” – W.B. Yeats (Easter, 1916). 

Boat people drowning in the Channel. Millions of children in the UK in poverty, fighting hunger, cold, deprivation. Countless homeless folk within an hour of where I live in London (rough sleeping increased 20% in London in the last twelve months). We don’t have to look overseas to see the same dynamic at work much closer our homes – we all function with what the psychologists call cognitive dissonance: inconsistencies and gaps in our thinking, contradictions between what we believe and how we act. Jewish liturgy expresses the wish that “the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts” align; but we might also pray that the wishes for others’ well being might align with the actions we take on their behalf. 

I’ve now started to use The Zone of Interest as a reference point in my own thinking. It has become almost a shorthand for how our imaginations fail to be in sync with our actions. When we know something is happening but turn a blind eye. It can be bullying in the workplace, sexual harassment, abuse in the home – so many situations where we construct a mental wall so that we don’t have to think about what is happening right now, under our noses. I am sure you can all think of situations where you have done this, or do this. Where you just don’t want to know. Can’t bear to know.

The Jewish community at this season, days which culminate on Yom Kippur – the day when atonement/’at-one-ment’ is wished for - admit our shame about this, our failures, our weakness, our inability to live up to our ideals; we admit that our better selves do go into eclipse, our idealism fades. We acknowledge the painful truth that we only just have enough energy to get by, to survive each day. Because life is tough and who has the energy to get involved, to call out injustice, wrongdoing wherever we see it? We all have zones of Interest and zones of disinterest. I know that I do and it fills me with a kind of sadness and a sickness of spirit, as I recognise my inadequacies, my compromises, my weakness, my inability to let my actions truly express the empathy I have for those who struggle and suffer in so many ways. 

Like the Biblical stories of old, The Zone of Interest has moral and psychological complexity woven into every strand of the narrative - it is a piece of art that provokes us into reflections about our lives, our values, our blind-spots, our capacity for goodness and our capacity for evil. Each scene is worthy of attention. Each scene asks questions. Each scene demands a commentary – such a Jewish film!

A last thought, a footnote. And the thought is this: we are obviously living through one of the most fraught, jagged periods in the long arc of Jewish history. The Zone of Interest’s subject matter of persecutors and victims, bystanders and witnesses is all around us. The language that has emerged in relation to, and in the wake of, the Shoah - of ethnic cleansing, genocide, annihilatory intent, abuse of humanitarian law and human rights - this language fills the airways, newspaper columns, social media. It too penetrates the mind and heart. Who can hide from its gaze?

Questions of who will live and who will die (and how) – universal questions affecting Jew and non-Jew alike – press in on us each day. The questions are painful: are we victims or persecutors, bystanders or witnesses? Perhaps we can be more than one of those, perhaps we may occupy each of those roles at different times. It is, necessarily, confusing.

Our souls cower in the face of what we are living through. On Yom Kippur Jews have had – and they may feel it is a blessing or a curse (and maybe it’s both) - but on this day they have had the time and space to consider where  the Jewish community as a whole, and each individual, is in relation to these issues. Israel has managed to hijack Jewish history. We tremble to think about what this next year will bring.

[based on a sermon given at Finchley Reform Synagogue, London, on the morning of  October 12^th, 2024]

 

3. Cognitive Dissonance, the Pleasures of Life, and the Need for Stillness 

I spoke earlier today about cognitive dissonance and how we all use it to mange our lives. What I didn’t have time to share with you is the most dramatic example of cognitive dissonance I know.

There’s a photo taken in Eagle Creek, Oregon in 2017 by a photographer called Kristi McCluer –  you can google it, she won a ‘photo of the year’ award for it -  a photo in which there is a huge wall of flame dominating the whole of the horizon, devouring a forest, the trees creating an inferno, you can almost hear the roar of the flames, hear the cracking of the branches, feel the heat burning off the page as you look; and in the foreground there is a golf course, it can’t be more than 100 yards from the devastation happening in real time, and on the course three guys are lining up their putts as if nothing is happening. Now on the one hand this photo explains, portrays, cognitive dissonance far better than I can do with mere words.

And it is easy to read this photo as a powerful metaphor for indifference to a catastrophe waiting to engulf us – not just fire or floods or hurricanes or drought or any of the threats to the planet’s well being that are the backdrop to our lives. It is that, and in a way it is astonishing that more people are not crying out and screaming about the looming disaster – although some brave souls, here in the UK, and around the word, are doing that and taking whatever actions they can to protest this suicidal journey humanity is on.

But as we approach the end of our Day of Atonement my thoughts turn in another direction in relation to that scene. It’s a generous reading, interpretation, but I hope you can bear with me as I try and open it up.

In our own lives we all need opportunities – in spite of what is going on around us – just to focus on ourselves: we need to find how life can offer us pleasures, satisfactions, whether it is from companionship with others, from art, or music or poetry or meditation, tapestry-making or marathon running, theatre, gardening, swimming - activities we pursue on or own or with others, yes, even playing golf, or watching sport, ways of engaging with life in all its unfolding splendour.

On Yom Kippur Jews reflect a lot (supposedly) on their failures, avoidances, weaknesses:  this can be painful to do, and painful to glimpse the enormity of the work of transformation that we need to make as a people. Of course we don’t know what this next year will bring. Some Jews are feeling trepidation at the blowback here in the UK of the larger tragedy being played out in the Middle East– I never mentioned antisemitism once throughout the day and I know that is what worries some people the most. But as the day draws to a close what I want to focus on are the possibilities that exist for living well in spite of any fears for the future.

Life is precious. It contains real opportunities for an intense engagement with others, opportunities for an intensity of being, being together, sharing, laughing together and, yes, sometimes crying together, but moments of intensity when we know that we are really and truly alive and we wouldn’t have life any other way: it has its losses and sadnesses but it also has a treasure house of experience that we come across, or create. Those moments of intensity can be with others or just private moments by oneself. I think Kafka got this right, as he got so much right with his finely tuned intuition to what matters:  

“You do not have to leave the room, remain standing at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you, to be unmasked, it has no choice. It will writhe in ecstasy at your feet.”

This is the spirituality of a so-called secularist who understood (though TB was corrupting his lungs as he wrote) that the divine was present at every moment. “Be quite still”, he says: what is available in the world has no choice but to offer itself to you, here and now.

“We declare with gratitude…”  Jews say at the heart of their central prayer “…the signs of Your presence that are with us every day. At every moment, at evening, morning and noon, we experience your wonders and Your goodness.” This is what Kafka is alluding to. Divine goodness is present, present in the wonders of daily life, the ones that reveal themselves to us, and the ones we create for ourselves. After the rigours of the penitential Day of Atonement we will have done our work, we can return to life again. We may wish for one another a year full of new life, a year filled with the blessings life can bestow.

[based on thoughts shared towards the end of the Day of Atonement as a prelude to the final service of the day, Neilah, October 12^th 2024]